As most girls and women these days are taught, I made a soup list of desirable qualities in a life partner. Since women are also taught to consider marriage in every encounter with the opposite sex, this list also serves as a prospect inclusion/exclusion cheat sheet. The typical wishlist often includes things like Tall Dark & Handsome, and loves God and children. I added ‘kind eyes’ as one of my many proxies for kindness (which is important to me). But as many of us have found, these algorithms do not work.

I know there is a laundry list of desirable qualities because every mother, aunt and sideways cousin has ideas and suggestions about how to choose your life partner to make your marriage work. And they come at you with a cocktail of funky tricks you must try. I do not claim to have found a better mix of qualities. All I can say is that it’s been centuries and the perfect algorithm has yet to be conjured.

So do not waste your time. You’re not going to get it ‘right’. I didnt send you to not have standards oh! I’m saying that there is no perfect woman, man, algorithm or marriage so don’t knock yourself too hard if your ‘mish-mash’ didn’t generate perfect results. It’s not because your algorithm was inherently flawed. It’s marriage itself that is flawed.

This angst you’re feeling unmarried or married? That’s social conditioning and it’s exactly how marriage was designed to make you feel. (See Is Marriage Bad For Women?). One could say your algorithm for finding a marriage partner is like using a loaf of bread to quench a raging fire. Useless. The fire will still finish you. No matter which way you slice or throw the bread. So you should consider if it’s worth fighting the fire in the first place. (Yes you read that right)

Now more than ever, we need to communicate with our eyes because our faces are half covered. They say eyes are windows to the soul, but masks make it clear there is only so much you can glean from just the eyes. I’m now reading much more into how you treat me and the people around you. Either way though, marriage is absolutely not even on the table.

By

Dolapo Isan

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