Scared Of Sleep

Scared of sleep, ‘cos tomorrow will come faster

That it will arrive too fast for me to prevent it from failing.

Scared it will be here and just like today, I will feel like a failure

A train wreck careening so fast, I need to jump.

But I can’t cos I’m sitting on my bed 

It’s an ordinary day and I’m wearing my plain shoes.

Besides, what bridge could I even choose?

Scared of sleep cos when tomorrow comes

What if I can’t make the screeching stop or change the ending? 

Can my mind handle failure? Yet again?

What if the wreck finally catches up with me?

The veins of anxiety break their record on each ascent. 

I’m scared they will finally succeed at closing my throat

This time. Maybe this time. 

Prior I wondered how mental anguish really felt

Arrived at “MAKE IT STOP!” in terrifyingly clear flashes.

It’s like my edges in the frame are curling up in the heat.

I can feel the strands start to sizzle and the paper bubble and crack.

Usually I’m quick to frantically extinguish it, while exuding calm

To fight it and settle back into ‘picture perfect’ for others

But it’s getting harder to hold my edges down

Seems knowing is worse than wondering. Like scalding your eyes.

I thought I was family but my peace helps reconcile their conscience.

“Well she is not complaining so it must be fine”

But complain, and they police HOW I must complain. “Only with love” they said.

But how do you say “Stop trying to f***ing kill me!” For the billionth time? 

Rubbery, lifeless, worthless mass for riddling with blows

My body, life and mental health are acceptable costs for their conscience balm. 

“They’ll kill you and say you liked it” Nora did warn.

Chained to my desk for fear of poverty

Anxiety’s whip cracks for what remains undone. 

I’m drowning, and gambling frantically for relief 

So I don’t sleep; praying to stumble on a moment that gives me life;

Enough to get me to/through tomorrow. (Not that I have much of a choice). 

Die tomorrow or die today. Those are the only options

Procrastination both your poison and reprieve.

 

As I wake, I scramble to get a grip

This day cannot fail, the consequence…I’d rather not imagine 

Coughed up fumes to push through yet another day

Because it can’t end today. Surely today is not the day?

With every creak, the dread of interruption upsetting my knife edge 

I cannot afford to slip up. To rest. To breathe. 

Nothing can go wrong. I’m using my last f*** for f***’s sake!

Dread behind my eyelids. I’m too scared to sleep

Depression-anxiety cycle causing lethargy, paralysis and more failure

Unregulated, I leave chaos in my wake 

Trauma like red wine, spills and cannot be undone 

My soul cannot fathom how to bring itself to the table again in the morn

Just for night to fall and terror descends once more at the prospect of yet another sunrise

I’m scared of sleep because the monster carresses me when I wake.

By Anonymous

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